fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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