How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
