We're facebook friends in real life
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
