I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
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Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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