I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
