the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
