Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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