Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
40s are totally the cure
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
