all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
