I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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