Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
no you cant smoke seaweed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
