i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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