people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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