??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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