Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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