miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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