So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
