Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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