we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
