I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Randomize
