i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
