Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
