I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
