I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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