New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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