Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
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