Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
