She's JV to your varsity
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
