community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i think i have two assholes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
