her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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