hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
