thus making me awesome and them whores
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
