i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
