well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
