I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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