i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
