she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
