haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
