:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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