Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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