i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
