She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
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almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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