I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
