Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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