I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
