Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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