I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
