I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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