Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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