I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
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Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize