If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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