she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
