I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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