evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
