I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
