How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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