Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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